Public Sexual Harassment From Unattractive Socially Inept Men & A Lesson in Courtly Love

1st: As a graphic and emotional example, of how many women feel about public sexual harassment, and all sexual behavior in public directed at them: On the subway one day, a couple of years ago, Nicola Briggs, suffered a visual, in person, sexual assault from a pervert flasher. She reacted in a manner appropriate (I wish more women would have her reaction - I would defend her right to do so, immediately). Ms. Briggs has since used this experience toward positive action, teaching women to defend themselves in public, and speaking frequently on the issue. Video taken by passengers went viral and the man was arrested and placed on a sexual predator public directory: 

Nicola Briggs: “Then I see his penis out.” 

2nd: A public experiment, that shows us, here in the U.S., that in some other cultures it’s far more blatant, and actually accepted by the male population: A heroic young man, sensitive to this assault on women, and the two young women who present themselves as prey, for this important social experiment. It's also viewed and accepted differently in sub-cultures within the United States.

3rd: The video that inspired this essay, a new video produced with purpose to expose public sexual harassment is getting a great response from the public at this time:

In discussions of this recent video, women seem in majority agreement that this is harassment that is offending, and so harmful to the feelings of women, and girls. There are more than 30 videos of people, mostly men, discussing their viewpoint of this experiment. Many men opining on this video presentation, are downplaying the significance or harm of this cat-calling and teasing gestures. Even the persistent coy, devilish, smiling as has been included as harassing behavior in this video. The men are in agreement: “What’s the big deal?”

But be advised men and boy readers: We can not just consider their feelings vaguely or broadly. Try to understand, for the women, it is an assaulting challenge on overall self-esteem to experience this every day.

It is as you are followed by the store detective every time you go into a department store. Because you look like a shop-lifer, in the shallow profiling judgment of some $15 dollar an hour security guard.

A long term hurtful perception from this behavior is developed. We call the victims stigmatized. While your sister is walking, your daughter, your mother she is attempting to maintain pride in who they are, and protect their level of dignity. Self-esteem allows positive emotions like pride and dignity are traits we all try to maintain all day-long.

Men, think about your own pride and self-esteem, and imagine yourself on the other side of this behavior. The behavior invokes the persistent feeling of having to live while stigmatized. A self-esteem defeating condition to have to live with. We men don't want to live with it, why dish-it-out? Unless you're just a selfish and shallow a**hole.

By the way, women are getting armed and training for close encounters with sidewalk a**holes. Stop the cat-calls and the jeers, and passing greetings of animistic sexual barbs. It may be the practical thing to do.

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How to Greet Beautiful Women in Public, Using the Mannerisms of Courtly Love:

I want to encourage men and boys, toward a new manner of getting a beautiful woman’s attention in public. I find it to be courteous, pleasant, dignified, friendly, and far more likely to receive a pleasant reply.

The background I speak from, and here’s my take:

I must confess before I go on further with my experience in getting the attention of a woman: I’m a handsome guy, from afar, and up close. To my disadvantage I have actually denied this most of my life. As I disbelieved persistently, that attraction to my appearance, was a major factor in the many times a girl or a woman made first advances, by flirting communications toward me. I have walked away from at least ten opportunities, unknown to me while I was being hit-on by an attractive girl or woman. Because of my under appreciation, for the face I genetically inherited, and my lower than worthy self-esteem in this important area of human interaction in life, I have allowed myself to collect remorseful memories of several of these encounters, where “I blew-it.”

My mother was a feminist, in the late 1960’s and into her life. As a boy I was dragged along to her weekly and sometimes bi-weekly, Women’s Liberation Front meetings. Where I was bored by the apparent gagglings of women, who were voicing their disgust, with being treated by men as a lower status of a person. They were clearly angry and full of complaints, and on the verge of being ready to take-up arms. But I was a little boy, and so paid scant attention to their pleas for equality. However, my mother explained the issue to me once or twice during those days, and so I shared in her passion, but only casually, because I was a hyperactive little boy.

Mommies' little feminist of the future. 1968.

Use Courtly Love

Aretha Franklin was not just singing pretty sounding words, when she reminded us all "A little respect," is all it takes. Constant respect in romantic or admiration behavior is the basic premise of Courtly Love. 

In the public, as an attractive woman approaches my location, I seek a moment in the timing of her approach, that will likely catch her eye. When that tiny moment arrives I always wave (not excitedly), smile pleasantly, and say in an upbeat intonation (mid or high C note) “Hi” or “Hello.” Nothing is sexual about it except for your own secret intention. I hope to convey to her the feeling of being addressed by someone “Who would be grateful to know me.” This impression is often a priority for a woman. Don't forget this men, boys, lesbian or bi-sexual women and girls.

Men, guys, seriously: You are far more likely to get a return smile and a wave, for your efforts in this manner, than the cat calls will ever get you. Or by doing something foolish, like spontaneously flattering her hair or shoes. Because she's then thinking "What the f--k do men know about hair and shoes? What an a**hole!” Sometimes this is received as disarming to a woman's natural defensive persona while in public. Seen as distinctly different from a confrontation or a sexual threat. I get a pleasant return for my brief investment at a chance at love. Sometimes the pretty woman will reply quickly, seemingly impulsively, and wave back and smile. I just recently received a pleasant return wave and smile from a pretty girl, from over 150 feet away, on the other side of grassy common, in eastern Connecticut. And that is rare in New England.

I was motivated to adopt this public approach upon having a realization as a 17-year-old, at a time when I was feeling very lonely. I had developed a social phobia. I impulsively launched into a nervous panic when faced with a beautiful girl, or woman who I would feel could be a romantic and or sexual prospect (it is fear of failure). I remember one day deciding positively, that the chances of just running-into a beautiful woman, and meeting her in a comfortable and natural context, where I felt more confident, were odds almost as bad as those of winning the lottery. So I resolved at that time, that I would always attempt to wave, and say "Hi," to catch the eye and attention of a beautiful woman or girl. I would not deny myself the opportunity of being in love with an attractive partner.

Courtly Love. A 12th-century European adaptation, inspired by poets and troubadours of the many kingdoms. One day a new queen carried to her court, and proclaimed it be practiced, in her own ways:

Wickipedia:

Courtly love (or fine amor) was a medieval European literary conception of love that emphasized nobility and chivalry. Medieval literature is filled with examples of knights setting out on adventures and performing various services for ladies because of their "courtly love". This kind of love is originally a literary fiction created for the entertainment of the nobility, but as time passed, these ideas about love changed and attracted a larger audience. In the high Middle Ages a "game of love" developed around these ideas as a set of social practices. "Loving nobly" was considered to be an enriching and improving practice.^[1][2]

Courtly love began in the ducal and princely courts of Aquitaine, Provence, Champagne, ducal Burgundy and the Norman Kingdom of Sicily^[3] at the end of the eleventh century. In essence, courtly love was an experience between erotic desire and spiritual attainment that now seems contradictory as "a love at once illicit and morally elevating, passionate and disciplined, humiliating and exalting, human and transcendent".^[4]

The term "courtly love" was first popularized by Gaston Paris in 1883, and has since come under a wide variety of definitions and uses, even being dismissed as nineteenth-century romantic fiction. Its interpretation, origins and influences continue to be a matter of critical debate.

God Speed! by Edmund Blair Leighton, 1900: a late Victorian view
 of a lady giving a favor to a knight about to do battle.

It’s different in different cultures.

To my experience, of living in three sub-cultures of this country - women react differently in public to a kind or pleasant greeting, or visual confrontation from a man, soft or light or even seemingly sexual, in different regions with differing cultural norms, of this country, and it is true in the world (as is seen in the 2nd video).

In Maryland where I grew to a young man, once I adopted my new method of greeting in attempting to make contact with a new beautiful woman, I could usually get a reply wave and often a “Hello,” in response to my kind, innocent in presentation, greetings. Even if delivered while driving my car past a beautiful woman. After moving to Massachusetts, I received one, one sunny day in Boston, in the entirety of living there for more than 10 years. I remember joking to the man I was traveling with “She must be from California.” I used to say to my male friends “They’re like walking refrigerators; they react as if I’m presumed to be a masher.” In that region of this country, even a friendly approach is likely dismissed and ignored, although heard clearly, as likely sexually motivated taunt that would result in harm, or “knowing some pig.”

In the south, in Louisiana where I lived, and in Georgia, and in Florida, a pleasant return can be expected, but not always. But when I left Massachusetts for the wilds of California, at age 30, I soon discovered a reply was common. Even a beautiful woman only hearing my greeting, may turn to smile and wave back, she’ll wave her hand behind her in the air above her, seemingly grateful, as she goes about her life. But that's California a.k.a fantasy-land. And men, if you're wondering if it's true, that women and girls are more beautiful in California, I tell you now, it's really true.

Copyright Reserved, James G. Mason, November, 2014 JamesGMason.com

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