This Bread is So Dry . .

This bread is so dry . . . .

I fear I have destroyed my salivary glands.

The ancient Martians invented this bread; That's what happened to them. 

For my own safety I had to eat it next to a fire extinguisher.

People who live in the desert give it away to tourists. For their own survival.

You need a State license to make the bread, because many ovens catch fire and melt when baking it.

BP keeps several pounds off-shore in case of an oil spill.

I missed my own birthday, while trying to eat it.

Place a strip of beef jerky next to it, the jerky becomes completely dehydrated and blows-away. 

If kids are bouncing on it in the backyard, it gets lifted by the wind and carries the children away with it.

Cures water-on-the-brain by holding it in your mouth for ten minutes.

Lifeboat passengers stranded at sea fight over who has to eat it next.

In southern California loaves of this bread are believed responsible for the deadly Santa Ana winds.

Mean children toss it to seagulls at the beach to watch them shrink.

Parents are strapping loaves to their young children's arms who don't yet know how to swim.

It is kept locked-away by the nurses on psychiatric care units where suicidal patients are staying.

Siegfried and Roy now use it in their live shows, instead of whips.

Used to be called Wonder Bread before the lawsuit.

One million pounds of it was floated into the stratosphere to repair the hole in the ozone layer.

Was given free to Occupy protesters in New York City, the day before they all went home.

10,000 loaves tied to strings were used to raise a sunken cruise ship in Italy.

The Apollo eleven Astronauts brought back several loaves uneaten, after it was discovered that eating powdered orange Tang by the spoonful was more efficient and refreshing.

Binary information can be stored in it for decades eliminating the need for hard drives.

Many intact loaves carbon dated to -2,500 b.c. have been unearthed by archaeologists digging at Stonehenge, along with thousands of lower jawbones.

It is believed that Jesus shared a single loaf of this bread with two thousand paupers, who then chewed on it for two years in the desert.

It is thought that Jesus had fashioned two loaves into sandals, just before he walked on water.

An energy efficient house in Arizona was made entirely of this bread but had to be destroyed after the house kept attracting low-pressure weather fronts, sucking the moisture out of the clouds and causing wide-spread flooding.

If eating this bread a vacuum cleaner must be kept nearby for the aftermath.

Seniors seen feeding it to pigeons at the park have been "featured villains" in the PETA monthly newsletter.

It must be served on a string as per FAA statute sec. 4.09.02.

The bread is almost extinct and so is a sought after food of the extremely wealthy for their new fad, Dry Bread parties. Which are often followed by an evening of bondage and sadomasochism entertainment.

Whole colonies of ants have refused to carry off the crumbs because they kept floating away. Some colonies have successfully formed unions as a result of this long standing struggle with their queens.

Police have begun firing their tasers at it, before even asking questions.

Senior men: Drill a large hole through one end of the loaf, insert penis and presto . . expensive electric vacuum pumps no longer needed!

Used as a prank, college football team seniors would stuff rookie's lockers with several loaves and wait for the surprise. This prank has come to be known as the Hurt Locker, a term later used by the American military to describe the task of removing improvised explosive devices.

In San Francisco Clam Chowder soup vendors had experimented with hollowing-out the loaves to serve their soups in, however the soup would mysteriously disappear before tourists could even eat one spoonful. 

Suburban deck dwellers with outdoor natural clay ovens have learned to tie the oven down before attempting to bake the bread.

The American Red Cross turned-away three truckloads of this bread headed for the Katrina hurricane victims.
In an emergency, if accidentally swallowed, it can be washed-down with a tall glass of dirt.

It had to be moved to the refrigerator, because it caught a box of crackers on fire.

It was used a divining bread in frontier days because it got heavy over underground aquifers.

Moses did not part the Red Sea the Hebrews baked this bread then tossed it into the waves in front of them.

The atmospheric scientists made a simple typo; That report was supposed to read Global Baking.

Copyright Reserved, James G. Mason, May, 2014.

#comedy #JamesGMason