Head and Body Transplants Coming

That's me, one day soon, on the left!

Heads up spirit of Mary Shelly! Once again a great science fiction writer has been brilliantly prophetic and inspired our modern era. Now let’s all practice saying “cephalosomatic linkage.” But if that name is too bothersome just say "head job," soon everyone will know what that means. If anyone has ever told you "you'll never get a-head in life!" And if it looks as if it's true, hope is now on the horizon, be patient. Just one thing however, to get a-head you'll have to lose your old one and possibly find yourself converted into a custom head toaster and on sale at a Bed Bath and Beyond store. Actually, that would not be a bad place to be be a toaster. The possibilities are headless and should be explored right now so we are prepared as a society.

       I am newly enlightened, we really are our heads! Because it is now affirmed that we certainly are not our bodies. That’s not to discount the importance of a good body. But how about a new good body every fifty years or so for five hundred years? Perhaps a body purchased on ebay or Amazon? A neuroscientist (brains and nerves) in Italy has published a paper that is causing a world wide conversation and inspiring some fifty thousand head jokes in bars and pubs and my house. In the paper he postulates that with current medical technology we could perform successful head transplants right now. Or more simply put: a body switch for the person who is the head.

A gold-mine dripping away!

        Primate experiments in the early seventies involving cephalosomatic linkage proved nearly successful except the spinal cord could not be fused and the experiments would be terminated. However, it was carefully noted that chimp A when awoken to his new chimp B body no longer craved bananas quite so much and he felt that handling feces with his hands was no longer appropriate given his circumstances, then he died. No one has picked up these experiments since. The doctor who authored the article says the new gelatinous bio bonding solutions, or the drool from a Great Dane, were what was needed to fuse nervous tissue, and those tools are here now.

 I thought it odd that the author of the article referred to the body as the “recipient” and the head as the “donor.” As if it was the body's decision to give itself to a different head. I'm sure that if my body had a choice it would choose the procedure, just to rest in peace and put an end to all the fish oil supplements and ridiculous no alcohol imported beer, and impulsive incessant nipple pinching.

       A danger to humanity is that we could end-up with a majority of our population with transplanted bodies. A mathematical problem with the procedure is that you have to cut off two heads to complete one transplant. If this becomes an affordable pattern throughout society we are looking at total extinction in less than one thousand years.  

     We will have to clone headless bodies to keep a-head of demand - or grow the bodies with heads but keep them really stoned and hooked-up to a Direct TV satellite dish until separation time. They'll probably watch cartoons on the Head Channel. Or because the information is useless, and the cloned heads have no real future anyway, they may enjoy FOX News.

     We may not have to clone if we look toward the animal kingdom for new/used bodies when the human pickings become slim. Imagine your pervert neighbor on the floor below you with a new giraffe body, walking around with his head twenty feet in the air seeing what everyone is doing. Questions.

     If we do succeed in placing animal bodies “underneath” new heads (“new” for the body), there will be many men choosing male dog bodies - like me maybe. The main motivation of course being oral sex with themselves just the way they like it every time. An age old dream of fourteen year old boys everywhere as has been discovered depicted in ancient Egyptian statues and hieroglyphics!

     What will scientists do with all of the heads that are severed from donor/recipient bodies? We'll have to throw them out if no one claims them. But new uses for disembodied heads will be invented so that "no good head goes to waste", like mixing them into dog food, horse food, cattle feed, senior citizens on Social Security food. Of course severed and dead heads can receive all kinds of electronic enhancements like computers, cameras and listening devices, audio alarm clocks for the bedside with RealVoice technology!  Their dead eyes and brains could be wired for motion detectors, traffic light ticketing cameras, heads would be helpful and cheerful bank ATM assistants or bank tellers dispensing not only cash but lollipops for the children as well.  Widows and widowers can get paid good money for their spouses bodies, and even get the head back with built-in artificial intelligence and a full suite of electronic conveniences and applications.  Funeral homes and morticians will have to add new Head Specialists so that families can receive loved one head retrofitting in addition to memorial services, all in one. New uses for heads would be inexhaustible. How about angry balls for hilarious bowling fundraisers, a different kind of baton for 100 meter relay racing in the Olympics, illuminated heads mounted on top of cars wired to dashboard computers that when in danger of collision will sound a ghoulish 110 db warning howl for extra safety (nothing like a second pair of eyes), finally a truly realistic looking fake passenger for the carpool lane, something for bachelors to hang from the front door on Halloween night - to absolutely keep trick-or-treaters away, fertilizers for smart-plants, something to beg for money for you while you sleep on the sidewalk, bi-optic head projectors with 3-D for winning Power Point presentations, a toy for the dogs with true emotional human reaction, suck out the brains and stuff a head with catnip - hours of feline fun, loud screaming artillery rounds to fire at supernaturally inclined enemies forcing them to lose bowel control and retreat and proclaim us the "demon nation" and then leaving us alone forever, if we pump refrigerant from one side of the head's brain to the other side then install a fan under it's throat . . finally instant personalized portable head air-conditioners for everyone! Stylish! This next one really freaks me out [readers skip this if sensitive to mental imagery] . . . feasibly a head could become re-aware in an alleyway in Brooklyn, his mouth dripping in personal lubricant and looking straight into a set of smelly genitals belonging to some guy named Waldo who wreaks of urine and whiskey. Don't laugh this is now a possibility, think about it, use your heads man!

     Look-out Romney family and other Mormons! You’ve been treating your bodies very well indeed. [Evil extended laugh].

Speaker Newt Gingrich. a.k.a. "Ol' Greasy face

One image: Someone is going to claim retired Congressman Newt Gingrich’s body complete with greasy potato chips in the stomach, ready for the new head's first meal!

     Scary scenario: Very old peoples' heads might get gorgeous bodies and then go to bingo night trolling for sex! Additionally, what if some young horny single man, inebriated from drugs or alcohol, agrees to go home with a very old ladies' head (VOLhead) with a young hot body, if she wears a bag over her head?  These very old heads

This article just went too far sweety!

might find that perfectly acceptable! But beware there will be occasional bag slippage or the accidental total loss of bag during sex with a  "VOLhead." Post traumatic stress disorder from fully visible VOLhead and VOMhead experiences may become a serious psychological crisis!

If a fully body transplant recipient falls in love with another full body transplant recipient and they want to get married, well that’s just “headgemony” plain and simple, and the Supreme court should rule on this abomination once and for all! 

     If a fully body transplant recipient falls in love with another full body transplant recipient, is it okay if they confess that they only love each other for their mutual new/used bodies? Will women still think guys like me are shallow?

     Congratulations Hell’s Angels, ride free dudes! Goodbye to helmet laws everywhere! Donor bodies will be in demand and

An inspiration to road warriors! This biker

now rides in the sidecar flopping

around and smiling allot.

But he's a great sport about it.

young fools without motorcycle helmets will be publicly encouraged to carry-on and let the wind “fly your freak-flag” for all to gaze upon in envy of your Bob Segerish independent and solitary man's man rogue ways!

"There I am, on the road again. There I am up on

the stage . . . ."

     What if a new body was a chronic masturbator during it's previous head and has good muscle memory and gets constantly aroused? How would we attend important meetings, drop off the kids at daycare, ride a bicycle, go to the beach, meet the president, give the weather report on television? Grocery shopping for male bodies won't be a problem, they would just walk closely behind the cart like I do. What if a new body wants to get high and toss Frisbees in the park and the head is just not into it? Perhaps if a head played video games which simulate many muscle memory activities that head could reduce the frequency of resurgence of muscle memory impulsiveness in used bodies? Consider.

          What about men who currently think for most of their lives with their penises? This is not just a cliché joke, it’s a real phenomena, I know because I went to rehab for it. It was a Hollywood twelve-step program starting with admitting you were powerless over erections and ending with your commitment to stare at a large poster of Phyllis Diller every morning for ten minutes for the remainder of your penises erectable life!  However, you have to really want to work the program. I guess did not work the program very well - because within three months after graduating the program I became oddly aroused by my Phyllis poster. When I called my sponsor about my problem, he came over to my apartment with two retired character actors (I forget what their names were but they were very familiar looking) and burned all of my Phyllis posters, even my hidden backup posters, in the backyard barbecue grill. It was to say the least, a traumatic experience I shall never forget, but if feels good to finally talk about it.

Thanks for the memories

Phyllis! R.I.P. dear

Will the new head think with a new/used penis that has been used to getting it’s own way? Or will the mysterious consciousness be absent because it has a new head? These type of difficult questions must be answered.

"ready . . set . . slice!"

 The author stressed that a razor thin and very precise cut of the necks was crucial in a successful procedure. ["keep your head very still and this won't hurt a bit."] I think he’s being pragmatic and utilitarian so that severed heads not getting new bodies can easily mount on a wall plaque, a fireplace mantle, a bathroom wall, or for athletes in icy nations to be able to slide them across the ice smoothly when curling. 

      Previously war-torn nations where populations are relatively young due to the massive elimination of adults in the older generation, will be prime pickings for youthful bodies. Nations like Iraq and Iran. We’ll make-up a good reason to invade both like we are good at doing. Their plentiful fresh hummus stuffed brown bodies

Arabs strengthening calves and buttocks!

will rain from the sky on us! What? I'm thinking a-head here! Besides they have very strong calves and buttocks from all that beach volleyball they must be doing - we have to begin to think about this shit!

       I have already begun strategizing to secure a new body and operating room time. I’m prioritizing this new goal second to my longstanding dream of creation of the ultimate weapon (to rule Earth of course). I have great sympathy for our nation’s dogs who are trapped in animal shelters, so I may stick-it out until the morality of dog body/head transplants is reconciled. I want my head to get a new human body but with a dog’s head on it along with my own. I like dogs. I’ll have one right next to me all of my life. Think about it, I’ll finally really know what it’s like to run after balls, eat anything off the ground, make garbage and mail delivery persons my mortal enemies. I’ll know new smells, and old smells in a new and deeper way. One small problem I foresee with my new dog head buddy, what if he wants to lick "himself" down there? One, he won't be able to reach it since he'll be on my body and I'm always too far away from reaching it, and two he probably won't do it like I like it anyway. And three that's f*cking gross!

This is a time that requires great introspection. The kind of pondering when our brain is thinking about our brain is the deepest thinking known to humankind. Don't let your head cave-in from over-introspection! Our very necks are at stake.